Just Expressing Myself
Last year, when my mother first came to my home in July, I knew this was her last trip. I didn’t know how long she would last, but I knew she would die here.
The day after I got Mom to Tucson, my sister in law called me and asked “So, how’s the big baby doing? You know, I cannot believe she chose to come to YOUR house when I am the one with experience in elder care.”
“Well, which one of you is going to stay home with her?”
“What?”
“Which one of you is going to stay home with her if she comes to your house?”
“She’s that bad?”
“Yep, she can’t make it to the bathroom alone, I’ve already brought in the potty chair.”
“oh”
Mom had always held me back from interacting with SIL. Period. Secondarily, she insisted that if there was discord, I was not to even defend myself. That she didn’t want my brother’s life ‘made worse by that woman’. So, I didn’t. I honored my mother’s request.
When Mom opted not to try chemo, she requested to go to Hospice. She was moved over there the next day. While there, she made some directives – she didn’t want a funeral, she wanted family members to go to their own church and have a service said for her or dedicate a service to her. Things like that.
Mom was stabilized in Hospice, then came to my house. My Hubby and I tore down our oldest child’s room, took everything out of there to make room for the hospital bed, oxygen machine, etc. Mom came to our house. My cat, Kazoo, laid with Mom every day. Giving comfort where she could. Her dog, Sadie, figured things out and realized she would be living with me, not just visiting. Mom would sleep for a second and it would feel like hours to her – her poor adrenals were just gone. I can only imagine the pain. She lasted about 11 days.
Mom had requested ‘No funeral’. My SIL and BIL ‘insisted’ that there be a service of some sort – for her friends. So, we all decided on a small celebration of life and set it for November 1 – Mom’s birthday. SIL sat back and acted like my boss “Is this done yet? Is that done?”! I planned this Celebration, designed and printed the little program, etc. If it got done, my sister or I did it.
She then texted my sister with “They don’t want us at their house EVER…. what are you doing for Christmas?” Sister didn’t allow this self-invitation. Good for her. SIL called me daily with “how are you now?” like an impatient child. I didn’t sugar coat it – told her I was down for the count, that I was roosting on the couch, sleeping about 18+ hours a day and just not in great shape. These frequent calls really put pressure on me – I knew she wanted me to say “I’m OK” and that would be followed immediately with “we will be there Thursday”. Right before Christmas, SIL posted on fb 
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that. When I saw it, I texted her and told her that I’d seen that and that it wasn’t that we didn’t WANT them here, I was sick! I also told her that it appeared that her holiday plans were more important to her than my health. She thought someone else had shown it to me, but I was friends with the person whose page she posted this to – I saw it! No one told me about it. Rather than have an adult discussion with me, no matter how heated that could possibly get (I had no intention of getting heated – I was so embarrassed for her on that post – the WHOLE family was laughing at her about that) – she unfriended and blocked me, my Hubby, both of our kids, and my sister. The last thing I texted to her was something about how Christian she was being and the way she acted, no wonder there were so many hostile atheists (I know, bad).At this point, my Hubby was absolutely flabbergasted at her attempts to manipulate and control this situation. He issued a declaration that before SIL comes to our home again, she must deal with him – he made me promise to honor him on this. I promised I would. I did relay that message to my brother.She then CHANGED HER NUMBER and proceeded to call certain people to give it out and admonish them to not give it to me – that I wasn’t to have the number under any circumstances. Yeah, I got a call with hysterical laughter “do you know who just called me with her new number?”My cousin told her she wouldn’t give it to me, then she told her “and I can promise you that she won’t ask me for it”. And I didn’t. After she asked me to leave her alone forever, I told her I would and I have. I do not desire contact with such a manipulative, controlling, selfish creature. And I feel sorry for my brother EVERY DAY. But he’s the one who must decide how much he can take.
This is the SIXTH time she has unfriended and blocked me. Every time it has been something like “we need to find a better way to get your dog into the house next time you visit” because her dog would terrorize my feral cats outside (and who brings a dog along without asking first?), or ‘I’d like to discuss X with you at some point’. Yes, my asking for an adult discussion over an issue was enough to get me unfriended and blocked. FIVE times.
This was the first time I actually called her on her crap.
All these years, my mother held me back – she begged me not to start anything with SIL. I honored my mother’s request for 10 years.
The way I see it, my SIL’s human shield is dead.
All the other times I’ve been unfriended and blocked, SIL would wait til AFTER my bday, but a little before her bday to unblock and then send a friend request. Then I’d be EXPECTED to not only accept the friend request, but give her something for her birthday and have them over for the holidays, etc. In the interest of family peace and my mother, I did.
My sister is pregnant with her second baby. She told me in January. Her hubby told brother and SIL sometime in March. Suddenly, SIL unblocked all of us and sent a friend request to my sister.
I figure SIL didn’t want to miss out on Easter and let’s not forget her birthday. LOL She probably thought that because my sister is so quiet, she is the weakest link and if she accepted the request, we would all follow suit. Well, sister didn’t accept.
When Easter Sunday rolled around, SIL decided to terrorize my cousin. This cousin happens to have lung cancer. This cousin also happens to be the person SIL thought told me about her whiny, dramatic post at Christmas-time. So, SIL had seen the posts about this cousin going through chemotherapy again and said nothing. She saw the posts about how sick the chemo made cousin and said nothing. Nope. That wingnut waited til Easter Sunday and started crap. I’ve seen the texts – she was trying to control and manipulate again. Cousin didn’t let her. Then, and this really is the crowning glory of crazy, she told this sickly cancer patient to “get right with your maker…. if you know who that is”. (!!! WTF) Cousin finally shut her down by threatening to post all this crazy to facebook. SIL didn’t want her crazy to be outed in public so she backed off.
Frankly, all this was pretty much the final straw for me. I realized that not only was the relationship irretrievably broken, but in reality, there was no relationship to begin with. My Hubby was outraged – still feeling disrespected over Christmas (she never responded to his email – she tried to manipulate my brother into causing some kind of discord with him… twisted), this was too much for his tolerance. He not only blocked SIL, but declared that SIL is no longer welcome in our home. Ever.
She turned 57 this year and I can’t believe she honestly thinks
1) inviting herself is OK;
2) I am not allowed to say no;
3) Staying for days and days when I have asked/invited for 1 day;
4) If I do disagree with her, I get ‘punished’ with unfriending or blocking.
Talk about BIG BABY! O.M.G.
I think it is way past time she learned that all that stuff really is not OK. I’m truly tired of being the grownup between the two of us (although the argument could be made that this posting isn’t the most adult – however, there is a reason for it needing to be kind of public and I am not ready to share that reason).
And, my mom isn’t here to stop me from teaching this.
This is really good. She NEEDS to be taught.
Very touching piece! As for the stupid family member who cares more about her bloody holidays than your well being, all i have to say is : good bye and good riddence . Furthermore, Albert Einstein once said: profanity is the first retort of the ignorant uneducated!!!
Some people, such as your SIL, are only satisfied if they live in drama and chaos. You are right in removing yourself and staying removed! If it were me, I would deal exclusively with my brother; let him know that this is your intent.
Only cos you asked can I say ………….. I would PRAY TO GOD this woman UNfriend me for life and leave me the hell ALONE ……………… I had to set my own BROTHER straight when he told me “AFTER our Mom passes if she ever does THEN can he have a relationship with me” but until then due to her hatred for me, he can’t afford to see me” ………………….. I plain told him NOT to bother, and we have not spoke in years ………………… I REFUSE to allow toxic and foul people into my existence ……………… It is bad enough I have to work with one ………….. Hope it helped ……………… the SIL would not set one foot into my house …………… nor I hers ……………..
Mayo clinic definition: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Sounds like your SIL. It may be difficult at first but for your physical, mental and spiritual health, keep her out of your life. Keep in touch with your brother about everything but her. It was scary how she spread darkness to her husband, your husband, you, and other family and friends. Is she really that important to deserve so much of everyone’s time and energy?
Remember she has an illness. It is doubtful she will recognize this or seek treatment. You can stop the negative cycles she starts and still send her healing light and love without direct involvement. Focus on the positive for you, your husband and your brother.
Namaste
I hope it was helpful to get all of this out. Your SIL is a very sick individual. You can’t fix her, but you are taking good care of yourself and your family and that is what is most important. You are intelligent, caring and she is the one losing out by unfriending you. Don’t waste anymore energy on her. Sending you positive thoughts.
Shame someone can’t perform the PCL Psychopath test on her, be interested in seeing her score.